In Pursuit of ……

About LoveConsciousness………………… and confusion

I chase myself around in circles, the longer I chase the deeper the rut, the more empowering the escape, and the longer the trek back to the mountaintop created by my encirclement. Circles speak of balance, like any geometrical shape. As if the lines are not postulated but really there…

Lately I’ve written one blog every several weeks instead of every two weeks. This is partly due to business, partly due to laziness and partly because it is better to write when I have something (inspiring) to say. Partly also due to unfolding events. My friend Ion is dying. I can’t really express what this means to me. I simply don’t know. I also don’t know what he means to me. I have a feeling I will continue to find out for the rest of my life.

He wrote a beautiful poem describing his death (which I don’t have acces to now), about how he fears not the nothingness that is coming, but only fears for his family and friends and how they might suffer, beseeching them to start to say goodbye while he is still alive.

I went to say hi/goodbye the other day (although hopefully I will get to do so again), he seemed somewhat morose, now that he is sedated and no longer working on his book, the news of the day no longer interests him (for the first time in 92 years). Every day is the same for him as he slips slowly into a world of less and less consciousness, or more and more (who knows, although he would surely disagree). No urgent decisions are to be made by him any longer.

I have sometimes behaved in a similar fashion lately, even though for me it is different. I am very young, and although all my decisions feel important, I don’t treat them as such, and fret over little insecurities. Don’t waste time, Ion would say, what’s the worst that can happen. He also told me, 1 year is nothing, you have a whole life in front of you. From the perspective of a 92 year old that is indeed the case.

Still lately I can’t help feeling trapped. Its not really a trap, more that I trap myself in a gilded cage but still, I feel trapped. I consume news and academic papers and music which tell of the sorrow in the world. In this way I create a picture of doom. I still experience happiness and laughter but when I think of my place in this madness I can’t help but feel trapped.

So much privilege I can barely see straight, I have to squint my eyes against the glaringly shining reflections of all the golden faucets, tea and coffee streaming out of them at my whim, I don’t even have to move a limb. The very keyboard I am typing on now, is made of liquid gold. I am actually to lazy to type so I just swirl my left pinky through the liquid, and my thoughts appear on the screen, as even the inside of my head is rich.

See I am fortunate, less fortunate than some, but more fortunate than most. If I work very hard, I can reach top positions possibly (although some are by now out of reach, never really wanted to be a banker but still). Not everybody can reach those positions, but some can, some with less work than me, some with more. What would this accomplishment then mean? Is it due to my hard work, or my whiteness, or my maleness, or my beardedness, or my tallness? Who placed this idea of accomplishment in my head?

I cherish experience mostly, and in some sense also accomplishment but not really. I like creating things, I like touching people in some way. I like smiles. I like warmth, I even like cold showers. I like learning new things. I like being alive.

More and more, I realize how very little I know. I keep building knowledge anyway, but I don’t really like knowing more than people anymore, or outsmarting them, I used too, and I still do a little. But more and more it seems like we don’t need more knowledge, but more compassion.

I don’t think the answer is giving everybody a career, which to me is basically jargon for knowing the rules of progression in society. I don’t think the answer is simply creating more jobs. An answer might be totally redefining what work is. Sure it would be better, if there was more equality, and more jobs for everybody. But so long as your worth is defined by your job status and jobs are created by exploiting nature, these things are no real solution.

I am aware, that I am privileged enough to be able to have these musings, I am aware that white guilt, or the white burden of going out to help the so-called poor people are all not the answer.

I just fervently wish that there would be some purpose, more than vain glory, to provide me with hope. I think this hope is what Ion started to represent to me, which is part of the reason I am struggling a bit at the moment.

For Ion, surviving the war, and writing to save the world was his way of escaping the trap and I think he did more than a fair job of it, he saw his life’s goal and pursued it. The world he painted for me, for us, is beautiful and I hope many of you will one day be able to read it, or better yet see it.

I am not so sure, we can out-reason the world or death for that matter. We can face it perhaps, but not through words and reason alone, we can only turn towards it as it approaches us. Perhaps that is the real meaning of facing something, turning towards it. Right now I am turning to face many different directions at once. In the turning lies the swirling interaction as we stir the world around us by moving with and in it.

Many of the wise people tend to say things like: Pick your battles (that is what Frieda Menco told me and Spencer Heijnen). I can’t help but feeling that choosing to do battle on one issue means losing another battle elsewhere. Still you can only do one thing at a time, if you want to do it well. But what if that one thing could be loving awareness, that you bring to whatever you do?

The last part of the book which we were busy writing when Ion fell and became too ill to work much more was supposed to be about the future, and the road there through love. In other places he has written about this, and he always told me he took his lead from all the great writers and poets. So in many ways, it is not his work alone, his voice is one of many, hence the pseudonym I Anyone. It is also an invitation to all of us, to carry on this work, this work of being transformation through love, bringing transformation through love in whatever way we can.

In our last work sessions we were a bit more free, than usual, I sensed he wanted to talk freely, to get in the mood for working, and recalibrate after some time spent apart. He asked me what questions I still had about the book.

He believes that humans used to have collective consciousness before they developed an individual consciousness and that humans created the world. So I asked him the following two questions which had been on my mind:


How does collective consciousness function? How did humans come on the earth i.e. if they conceived it?


The following conversation ensued, which was mainly him talking and which I present here as a kind of monologue. The energy when he was speaking, was one of pure aliveness. Now reading back, I realize more and more how much he strayed from his intellectual rational mainstay and into the realm of spirituality. Although a firm supporter of being rational, I believe this was because of his tendency to assiduously cover all the options, to be specific and concrete, so in that sense he found this text to be too general. However the most important thing was always for him, to be understandable. Language and rationality were always a vehicle for communication and interaction, not necessarily a goal in themselves, although they could serve the goal of beauty.

It is a talk on love and consciousness and towards the end, he strays into the economy while somehow staying on the same topics. Even though he covers many seemingly disparate topics in an ambling manner, to me it feels like he is saying something very true, not in the absolute sense, but in the way of resonating deeply:

“Individual consciousness, originating from human interaction (between people in collective consciousness) by seeing that other people and organisms have needs like we do. From human interaction also came time and so the awareness of death, and from this awareness came love.

Love is the possibility for another existence. Here you have everything:

Love, finititude of existence, and the existence of other people.

Love means the possibility to exist for other people. Not only for one’s self. Not only for your coffee lets say , but to exist for other people, this is essential. This is the very origin of love. Because love originates by this necessity to exist for other people.

Its always a play to what extent you exist for other people and to what extent you exist for yourself, It becomes a kind of dialectic that is very complicated. Really complicated.


Essential is to be able, to help the existence of other people, to experience the existence of other people. Can we experience the existence of other people? How finite is this existence?

Because over time when we experience the existence of other people, we cross the boundary, we go the other side of our own existence.


One has to experience these things, one has to go from one experience to another. From one’s own existence to another existence. To what extent can we exist the existence of another being? This is what means to be human. The possibility to exist the existence of other beings. Everything: you have love, you have finiteness, you have communication, you have dialectics. (Dialectics here being, the running up against limits, moving beyond these limits to new limits and beyond; the limits of existence, the limits of concepts and knowledge and using this limitation to learn, to leave this limitation behind.)


One should be prepared to compromise, love is compromise.


Consciousness, a problem is: is the way you imagine consciousness the same as I imagine consciousness? A very big problem. That gets solved, by interaction between people.


One way to imagine the world, outside our existence, then is to come to a consciousization of reality that is beyond our individuality, that is one way. The other way, that is quite different, is again coming back to love. Can you identify with the other being to such an extent that you don’t feel different from the other being? You can identify with this being, and you should not be afraid of losing one’s individuality.

Democracy and knowledge


In democracy there are some perimeters (of knowledge). What is important is that in knowledge we go from one limitation to another and then we transcend this limitation, knowledge builds up like that.  One thing we don’t know is to what extent one limitation connects with another one and how it goes on like that.

Then there is the other thing, the fact that we live the economy, its a matter of compromise as well, economics in a way is something precise and its a kind of exchange. To what extent we compromise in this exchange? This is again love.


What is the exchange that takes place in economics? What is this exchange? Why this exchange? We have to try to make them simple. What people in the street mean by exchange is simple and good, we should not be afraid of it.

The fact that humans are ready to exchange their experience and to have an exchange with the experience of others. But there are many characters that intervene and sometimes they are together, sometimes they retire, they withdraw, they go back. I am ready to compromise, I shall make it simple, you exchange your experience for my experience, not so much complication. Its enough, maybe tomorrow I get more, I do this compromise.


Another dimension that comes into it, that I often think, is the dimension of power. Because and this is very delicate, even in love, even in transcending one existence to experience the existence of another being, there is some power, there is the need, to affirm one’s power, to what extent you go with this affirmation, is very delicate. To what extent in the simplest love relationship, to what extent you impose your power, to what extent you are aware of imposing this power, to what extent you are ready to renounce this power. This is fantastic for me, if you are ready to renounce your power, you are near to love.”

Although its feels awkward to pose here now my own imposition, my own creation, here is a poem I wrote for Ion, after meeting him in the hospital right after he fell (before we had the above conversation).


“The absolute incommensurability

of trying to put

a you on you


The Handshake

of a young man

of 90 years old.


The face wrinkly

and decrepit, almost ghastly

the one seeing eye clear wise

and foxy.


a supple springy

arm in a hand

that thrusts through

the waves of


evoking pictures

of a young

handsome man

with wavy hair

as sunny smile

and sunny lake.

The waves lapping

at the shore

your intellect

arriving home.

You do not

believe in god.


But hey! that miracle

of life and consciousness

which sparked

a soul like

yours is something

to be in awe


So then with true sensitivity

to finally speak of


and  not only speak

but feel it

in every vibe

of our bodies.

to be aware of

this sacred



not otherworldly holiness

but the magic

of togetherness

running through our veins.

running over into

reinstituted plains

flooded insane.

The mind heart

connection feeble.

but you knew that

neither the heart

nor the mind is

where consciousness


So when in the swelling tides

birds and humans

will sing in one

harmony of what

is what was

and what will be



see the nothingness

as release

of fear

and embrace

of she.”


While not knowing the truth of things, I entertain the notion that god is everything, God as the collective consciousness out of which individuality arose and of which it is still a part. This individuality is located in the prefrontal cortex, which people who have psychedelic experiences  (DMT) bypass to experience a sense of unity. The prefrontal cortex came later in our evolution, so perhaps when people experience this unity, they are experiencing this earlier stage of our evolution of collective consciousness, an earlier stage that is still a part of our reality.

I am not religious but I choose to believe in the possibility of togetherness, perhaps I need to. Perhaps the limits of knowledge show us also the possibility of there being limits and demarcations in the first place. What is necessary for that to occur? I don’t know, but sometimes this not knowing, makes me very happy!


2 gedachtes over “In Pursuit of ……

  1. Dear Anne,

    A beautiful mind is being expressed here! Will keep an eye on this blog 🙂

    When I read the part about collective consciousness, it made me think of the Tantric concept of the “Overmind,” like the bees have (they all know what to do, but it’s coming from this’s different than collective consciousness in a way because the latter can be built in a conscious way rather than how it for the bees…they don’t seem to be conscious that they are under this overmind….but what do we know about what bees know anyway..?)

    Love & Light,


    1. The comparison with the Tantric concept of “Overmind” is very interesting. The way that Jan conceived of the collective consciousness I think it implied a previous stage of evolution, so humans are not necessarily conscious of it. Although they could be. It was manifested in all our actions and still present there today. Perhaps we might call it the “collective unconsciousness” instead when comparing it to the the consciousness of the bees, of which we know very little anyway. Humans perhaps also have a tendency to overestimate their consciousness, it seems to be a relatively new trick in our evolution, we often take it to be our defining feature, perhaps downplaying the many unconscious aspects of our behaviours. Perhaps something like intuition is an example of human getting in touch with their “Overmind”. We tend to think of consciousness as becoming aware of something as individuals, but collective consciousness seems to imply perhaps a losing of one’s own individuality, or at least transforming it.

      If we take the earlier stage of collective consciousness to predate individual consciousness in its current form. Then the aspiration (I choose to have) becomes realizing this collective consciousness anew, or perhaps recognizing how it is still active somehow with/through our individual awareness. It is very easy to see this as something new-agey, which it undoubtedly also is, but this could mean as much as becoming aware how our actions and thoughts influence the world around us, and how we are influenced by that world.

      Liked by 1 persoon

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